


Ya'aburnee

by bodysnatch3r



Series: The Hobbit Meme Prompt Fills [2]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-29
Updated: 2012-12-29
Packaged: 2017-11-22 21:15:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/614410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bodysnatch3r/pseuds/bodysnatch3r
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ya'aburnee, Arabic, noun: Both morbid and beautiful at once, this incantatory word means “You bury me,” a declaration of one’s hope that they’ll die before another person because of how difficult it would be to live without them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ya'aburnee

**Author's Note:**

> SO, I HEARD YOU KIDS LIKE ANGST.  
> A fill for this prompt (http://hobbit-kink.livejournal.com/1990.html?thread=1057990#t1057990).  
> Enjoy!

 

 

> _when the storm_  
>  _cut you to the bone_  
>  _there was always shelter_

He wakes up with a start and a clatter and he freezes, for a moment, stares at the ceiling and his tongue tastes of nothing and of acid, stuck to the roof of his mouth. He's awake. They're asleep, they're all sleeping, but Kili's mind has suddenly set itself aflame. It's quiet, not even Thorin seems alert, wrapped in his furs and huddled on one of Bilbo Baggins' armchairs. He's the only one awake, and his eyes are burning.

_Fili grabs him by the waist and drags him along, and they're laughing hysterically and fighting and biting, as they roll down a hill, merely children, no more than twenty._

He shuts his eyes and runs his fingers through his hair, tugging, and Fili is sound asleep beside him, head slumped on the table. It takes Kili a few moments to remind himself where he is, with whom, and why. A burglar, a dragon, a lost treasure. An unwilling Hobbit, good food, and songs sung with firestorms in their voices.

He needs air, startled as he is for reasons he doesn't even understand.

_Fili grabs hold of Kili's hand, as Thorin stares at them with eyes so deep and pain-filled none of them know where to look.  
_ _"Your father has died, children. The orcs took him."_  
The prince-to-be drags his younger brother to his chest, then, grabs a fistful of his hair and cradles him. They have just been thrust from childhood into adulthood. I _nto emptiness.  
_ _"We're going to be alright, Kili. I promise. I_ swear _."  
_ _I'm going to keep you safe._

He stands up, the chair creaks against the floor and his brother squirms for a second and furrows his brow, and Kili freezes before Fili relaxes once more, and his breathing slips back into rythm, the clasps in his hair twinkling in the dying fire's embers. Kili swallows, makes his way out as the nightmare disspiates the fog and becomes more clear, although he thinks it was a nightmare but he isn't so sure, there's still something. Off. About it horribly off, something that felt far too much like blood and dying screams, and suddenly his head spins, and Kili curls up on the bench right outside, buries a sweaty brow in his gloved hands, nails scraping his scalp.

His stomach feels empty and full at the same time, a bottomless pit of nausea welling in his gut, it feels like icy cold fetid water.

"Bad dream, brother?"

Kili's head shoots up and he jumps a little, startled, glances around for a moment as his swimming brain riochets against his thoughts and makes his stomach growl. His older brother is eyeing him, a devious smirk on his lips, his feet bare and his shoulders wrapped in a blanket.

Kili notices this.

"Aren't you cold?"

"Thought you might've needed some company."

"And I thought you were asleep."

Fili lets himself fall next to his brother.

"Oh, I was, I _absolutely_ was, until me oaf of a brother made such a racket getting, you see, up. To brood in peace."

"I'm not. Brooding." the youngest furrows his brow.

"Course not," and Fili throws his arm over his shoulders, ruffles his brother's unbraided hair.

_"Be careful." Fili yelps, as Kili's hands pull at a strand of blonde hair a bit too hard, a clasp safe in his hand._  
 _"I haven't even started yet."_  
 _"Just. Be careful."_

_"Hands off_." Kili barks, breaking free, trying to wrestle a smirk into a frown with little to no success. 

"I'm not touching you."

The youngest shoves his brother who shoves him back, and knocks the air out of his lungs. They giggle, muffling it in their hands to avoid waking everyone up, and they're boys again, rolling down hills.

"So what's wrong?"

Kili shrugs and shakes his head and glances over at Fili, glances at his hands, biting his lip in a way he's always done. "Nothing."

He can feel green eyes scan every twitch of his face, every jaw clench.

"Nothing of importance."

"I'm scared too, Kili."

The youngest swallows and his jaw does set, this time, teeth gritting.

"But I promised mother I'd protect you."

A sigh, and Kili looks at everything but his brother, everything but him.

" _Kili_."

Rough fingers under his chin, his face pushed up. Black into green.

"I  _promised_. And I am not letting you go."

*

" _Don't you dare_ -"

He's crouched next to his brother and his eyes are wide and his mind, Kili's frantic little brain is running in circles, running and ramming itself against his skull and his hands are shaking and his thoughts are a mangled horrifying mess and the orcs had found them, and they'd hunted them, and although the brown wizard, was it Radagast?, had tried to keep the monsters at bay, they'd been seen, surrounded, and now Fili's lying in a pool of his own blood and Kili's digging his nails into him and fighting the tears and they're falling anyway.

_Don't you dare leave me_.

And then comes Thorin's voice, calling his name but he doesn't care.

All he can see is the whiteness of Fili's skin and the lips that are too red, _far_ too red, teeth stained eyes dwindling into nothingness, and he wishes he could scream his name but it's all frozen, isn't it, and even though he hears his uncle call him, it doesn't matter. It cannot possibly matter.

And it all happened too fast, and Fili's grabbing onto him now, too, and he's smiling, hand pressed to his stubble. Kili shuts his eyes, for a moment, and he knows his hands are shaking far too hard. His brain is turning empty far too quick.

" _Go_." 

"No. No, I'm not leaving you-"

"Go."

"I don't  _care._ "

" _You do this for me_ - nails digging into his cheek a dying man's last desperate attempt to breathe, but Fili's eyes are peaceful nonetheless, despite the pain. Dwalin's dagger hits another orc, the creature sinks to the ground, and there's blood where his tongue should be, like there should be life where Fili's hand is getting cold, far too cold. But Kili can't move, doesn't want to move -  _Brother_. _GO_."

"Not _without_ _you_." 

And then someone's grabbing Kili (it's Thorin, isn't it? But the young dwarf can't even tell, he's crying too loud, sobbing too hard) and Kili's screaming, kicking, hand still knotted with Fili's and he's not letting go, he's not letting go because he can't because Fili _promised_ because he can't let him go, they've always been together, he can't let him go, not like this, not bleeding, not for orcs to feed on.

"NOT WITHOUT YOU!"

But it's too late, his throat raw, it's too late and Thorin pries their hands apart and they're underground as there's the sound of galloping hooves and of orc's screams above - _a moment too late_ , Gandalf thinks, and curses under his breath. 

But the sound that rings through their skulls as soon as the two stand up, panting, is thousands of times worse: Kili throws himself, screaming, at Thorin, screaming ("Give him back give him back _give him back_!") and thrashing and his fists collide with his uncle's chest. The other stands still, dazed by such pain (his eyes meet Dwalin's and the warrior wonders how his king can do it, when his blues are so shattered, when he seems so lost), lets the child (because Kili is nothing but a child right now, small and broken and defensless) hit him as hard as he can, and the boy's voice sounds shattered in his chest as those three words lose all meaning and become nothing but a scream, a pained hiccuping cry of anguish. Until Kili's knees give out and he's shaking on the floor, and the "Give him back." becomes a "No", whispered over and over and over.

And that is when Thorin crouches next to him, and his arms envelope the sobbing dwarf. Thorin is no longer king, he is no longer general: right now, he is family. Right now, he is an uncle whom has just lost his oldest nephew, the nephew he'd grown, the nephew who was destined to reign after him. The nephew whose brother is crumpled in his arms. So he grabs a fistful of Kili's hair, grabs his shoulder. 

" _Look at me_."

Makes their eyes meet.

Kili swallows and his jaw is trembling his eyes are wide and his hands, his hands that are now hysterically grabbing the Oakenshield's cloak and staining it, they're red. And it's not orc blood. And it's not his own.

"He  _promised_ he'd stay with me he promised-"

"Kili!", Thorin yells, and shakes him although he regrets it. The voice dies down. And there's only sobbing left.

"Kili. _Listen to me_."

" _Bring him back_."

"I wish I could, by Mahal, _I wish I could -_ and his voice cracks, right then and there, Thorin lets himself crumble for a moment - but _we_. You. You need to  _stay strong_. Because it's what he wanted, it's what your mother wants, it's why Fili died ( _blond shoving dark aside as an orc's blade falls, hits the chest hits the heart hits the lungs_ ),  _you need to stay strong_."

Kili nods, panting, eyes deep and full of tears, because there's nothing else ha can do, and his forehead is resting against his uncle's chest, then, a movement that takes forever and a little more, and Thorin starts caressing his hair, and they're rocking back and forth. But Thorin doesn't cry. He stares ahead, listens to his chest rattle with each and every one of Kili's sobs, but he cannot cry. He doesn't know whether it is because he doesn't want to, or because he truly cannot. Or because Kili's pain is big enough for both of them, because it sinks into them, it burns their flesh.

And Kili's just been thrust from manhood into adulthood into madness, into true, complete emptiness. He can't breathe anymore. He wonders if he ever will be able to breathe, and the bile that burns his throat and makes his eyes sting is a sign that no, that his throat will be forever closed, that he is destined to spend his life in perpetual drowning, never truly seeing, or living, always searching.

"Bring him _back_."

Thorin clenches his jaw, squeezes his eyes shut tight.

"You're going to be alright, lad. I promise. I  _swear_."

_I'm going to keep you safe_.


End file.
